Lonelyness

a long time ago, back when i used to live in japan, more importantly when my parents were married, they would fight almost everysingle night for as long as i can remember. sometimes i would cry my self to sleep praying for them to stop fighting. well my wish came true. but not in the way that i wanted it to. they got a divorce. my dad moved to california, and me and my mom moved here to hawaii. but almost seven years later it still feels like nothing has changed. now instead of my dad, its me thats always fighting with her. verbally ofcourse.

my mom hates my dad. filled with more rage towards him than i have seen anyone muster. my mom is always comparing my faults to my dad, even when that fault has nothing to do with the situation. and now i realise that everytime  she sees me, i only remind her of him. she hates me. she hates the fact that i came from her and my dad being together. so she takes her anger of him out on me. a tool to distract her from all the pain. but thats all i have ever been to people. a tool.... from manipulation, to entertainment. even the girl i used to like always had a way to tell me that we could never be togeter.t.

im sick of all the unkept promises people make to me. always saying to trust them, to wait a little longer. well fuck you. fuck all of you. im glad i stopped trusting most of you. so i dont ever have to fall into the bull shit that comes out of your mouths. ill just do everything with the people that i know are there for me.

i just want to move out of my moms house, move on with mylife. alone. because almost no one knows how i think. understand me.whether if its my mom ory friends. this leads to me being unable to express my feelings.

you know i actually cried tonight. just insults, and general yelling about me and my dad one after another. and the only thing wrong at the time was that i wasnt filling up my tub. yea my mom uses that to yell at me, then just reticule my dad.

maby i should just be alone for the rest of my life, like my friend is. its no use trying anyways. whats the point? go through so many hardships just to be thrown down. fuck that. i just give up already.

and to my friend who asked me once why i never talk about myself.
well i realized its because you never ask. e